I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
