i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
