I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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