he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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