I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Small penises have feelings too.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
