I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
