Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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