he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
