She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
