im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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