Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
