I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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