just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
