Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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