You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
