At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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