Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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