my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
