I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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