I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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