there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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