Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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