i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
