Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
