i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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