so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
