my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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