If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
