apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
