i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
