im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
