when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
