She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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