No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
