I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
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This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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