WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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