Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
