my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
