My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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