I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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