ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
