i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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