I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize