I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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