A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So many bounce houses so little time
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
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What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
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My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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