is your mom at the bar?
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
