She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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