I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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