can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
