Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
