how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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