I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
