we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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