at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
