Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
