Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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