Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
