So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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