My sheets look like a crime scene.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
